Stressed, A Mess, But So Very Blessed!

This statement came to mind one day while I was washing the dishes. Maybe I heard it somewhere before or maybe it’s just how I was feeling at the moment. It sounds like a cute phrase to put on a t-shirt or to post on Facebook right? But that’s not why I’m writing this. I feel that this rings true for how we can feel at times in motherhood and of course in other stages of life as well.

Although most of the time, by default, we tend to focus on how stressed and a mess we are. It takes an extra bit of effort to intentionally see the positive. Transitioning to a mother of two has taught me several things so far. But there are a few important things I’ve come to realize that I don’t think I would have seen any other way.

Before my second child arrived I knew things would be different but I was completely clueless of the struggles I would encounter. I’ll spare you the many details and focus on the things I have learned early in the transition that I know can be relatable to all of us, especially in our walk with God.

For starters, the situations I encountered brought things up to the surface in me that I didn’t know were there. It felt as if I was being squeezed with pressure and all that came up and out was junk. Anger, impatience, discontentment. Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes I felt like I was looking in a mirror but didn’t recognize who I was seeing. In these moments, after things would settle down, the guilt would overwhelm me. As I brought my heart before the Lord, He began to show me that He was already fully aware of all those things within me. It was me who was surprised by them when they came to the surface.

In a lot of ways this same thing was happening with my toddler at the time. I was not expecting the reactions and behaviors she would have as we brought a new baby into our family. I really wasn’t prepared for how to handle the emotional toll it would have on us all.

Bay (my toddler), has always been very calm, a great listener and very rarely acted out or threw tantrums. Before baby boy’s arrival I prepared her the best I could. She was so excited to be a big sister! I knew that she would welcome him home with so much love and acceptance, and she did! However, I don’t think her, her father, or I realized what she would go through when this transition actually took place.

After the first few weeks of Ben being home, Bay started to act out, throw tantrums, threaten to do dangerous things to get my attention. She would climb on tables, throw food and drinks across the room, and took a few steps back in potty training. Worst of all she would sneakily drop a handful of crayons into my freshly poured cup of coffee every morning, knowing that would surly get my attention, and it sure did! She wouldn’t listen, I tried every form of discipline we could think of. Of course she acted up the most when my newborn was needing me.

In the midst of this I was still trying to heal from birth and adjust myself to being a mom of two. There were moments when I just got so overwhelmed and frustrated that anger and rage would would come to th e surface. I reacted to everything, and it made everything worse. I found myself being the parent I always wanted to be the opposite of.

Almost every night during this time, after everyone was asleep, I would go and sit by my daughter’s bed, feeling defeated and like a horrible mother. Broken hearted feeling like I was hurting my daughter and not giving her what she needs. After sitting there and reflecting, I knew I couldn’t stay in that place. I began to turn my guilt sessions into prayer sessions. I sought the Lord and asked for Him to change me and daily I asked for the Holy Spirit’s guidance. My issues and frustrations didn’t go away, but gradually I learned how lean on His grace and it allowed me to see things from a different perspective.

As my perspective was shifting, I began to see that this journey of motherhood was going to usher in the work of sanctification, just as marriage was designed to do also. My guilt turned me to repentance. And I started to embrace this process instead of fight it.

Fast forward a bit, though only being a mom for 5 years, I can say that it seems pretty clear that motherhood will continuously bring us to our knees in repentance and submission to the Father. But that’s the blessing.

If we never struggle then we will never grow.

As much as we desire to grow in our relationship with the Lord even in good and easy times. It’s in the times of desperation and weakness that draws us to humble ourselves and seek the Lord to know and trust Him in a deeper way that we wouldn’t have otherwise.

So when you are face to face with those moments, and you feel the guilt and sense of failure overwhelm you, let that small sense of guilt and conviction from the Holy Spirit bring you to humble yourself to repentance. Go straight to Him, so He can wash the shame off and equipped you with His Grace, and can continue to do His good work in you.

If I were to jot down a list of the blessings found in motherhood and life in general my hand would become weary of writing. I know for sure that the blessings completely outweigh any of the struggles. In fact, even the struggles will turn out to be blessings, if we let them. God intends to use anything and everything to draw us closer to Himself and to finish the good work He started in us.

“The Lord is my strength and shield.I trust him with all my heart.He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.”
(Psalm 28:7 NLT)